Second Thoughts

Hump Day Revelation

So as I was sweating it out in the gym today, I realised:

I am happy. I am single, and I’m happy. I am a yahkit!

For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3: 16)

The word “only” here, used to describe Jesus, is yahkit, and it means “alone, special and greatly loved”.

I realise that in my desire and impatience to be attached, in particularly, to S, I get so absorbed with the whole idea of being in a relationship, I become so preoccupied with him and what he does and does not do, that I forget that I am a happy yahkit.

I was a happy yahkit before he came into the picture. I still am. But sometimes, I forget that I am, and I allow the despair of my past to creep up on me. I allow my past fears and insecurities to take hold of me once again.

I was by myself at the gym today, I was by myself walking in the rain today, I was by myself eating dinner today, and I felt so complete. So loved. So happy.

And I’m so glad Daddy God reminded me again of who I am.

With regards to S, I have suddenly also realised that perhaps I didn’t like him as much as I thought I was. After all, I really do not know him well yet. My feelings toward him seem to fluctuate based on the amount of time spent hanging out with him and the amount of positive interaction between us.

Which, I suppose, if you really liked someone, wouldn’t be so unstable.

But, I still would like to explore this further, and I suppose I’m already on the right path.

I guess I should take some time to get to know him better. If he is the one, he will eventually become the one. If God chose him for me and yet for some odd reason I decided that I don’t want him after all, then there’ll be someone else for both me and him.

Of course, I hope that he is the one God chose, because I know God knows me best and surely His choice is the best choice! But I have free will, he has free will, and we are both free to choose, and God won’t force us to take whatever we don’t want.

At the end of the day, I think what really matters is: Do I choose him? And if I do, then I could pray for favour and qarah (to be in the right place at the right time). Well actually, I’m already doing that. I think the qarah part is there - I keep running into him when it’s the last thing on my mind. I’m just not sure if I have favour in his eyes, since for all intents and purposes, his behaviour tells me that he’s not interested.

But you know what? For once in my life, I can take that. I can handle the idea that the guy I like(?) does not(?) like me back. I’m not desperate.

I guess it’s because, for once in my life, my security in not in my own self and what I see. My security is in what God tells me I am, and I am highly favoured, deeply loved, greatly blessed! I am a happy yahkit! And nobody can take that away from me, least of all S, a mere man.

I will not let him determine my value, for he did not make me in my mother’s womb; neither did he die for my salvation. Jesus did. Even if he became my husband, there would be times when he would let me down. Not Jesus, who has been so very faithful to me, even when I wasn’t.

And now this happy yahkit must abruptly end this entry and go to sleep!!!

About “The One”

I have been thinking about this matter a lot (obviously), and here is what I understand when I refer to “the one”.

Pastor Prince always says there there is no such thing as “The Perfect One”, that one person you’re supposed to be with all your life, your destiny, etc. What happens if your spouse dies? Does that mean you can never remarry? And if you do, does that mean you are stealing someone else’s “Perfect One”?

Now this makes a lot of sense to me, and I agree. If my spouse ever dies or we break up for some reason (although in Jesus’ name may that never ever happen!!!), I know God doesn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life.

So how does this link to this revelation that S is “the one”? Well, I guess I have a rather loose concept of it. What I believe is that God knew everything that was going to happen in my life and his. And I believe He also planned it so that we would meet at this time, in this place.

But I have free will and so does he. If either of us does not choose the other, He’ll find someone else for both of us! I don’t believe that God is inflexible and rigid like. He is far more powerful than I can imagine, and far more loving than I’ll ever know.

But I also don’t believe that God will show and tell me all these things only, and say nothing to S. Like Pastor Prince said, If God speaks to you and tells you that a certain guy is the one for you, He’ll work on the guy too.

And I believe that! God will never leave me hanging like that. He loves me too much to do that to me. That would be kind of cruel and mean isn’t it? And that’s not my Abba Daddy at all.

So it seems for now that all signs point to S; that he is the one. As in the he is the one I’ll marry, the one who’ll be the father of my children, etc. I’m done running, I’m done fighting. I’m just going to rest and see God work His wonders. It’s not about me, but what God wants to do in my life.

I know S isn’t perfect. There’s still a lot I don’t know about him. Maybe he is very flawed, but hey, so am I, right? We all have our nonsense and bullshit. But grace abounds. For now, I know that he has a personal relationship with God. I think he is quite teachable. I sense that he has a big heart. And that’s enough at this point. Actually the first point is the most important, right? Cos so long as he has a relationship with God, God will mould him, work in him, work on him.

It really isn’t about me at all! The other day, XY told me, “A life partner is a gift from God. And when God gives gifts, it’s because He is good. Not because we are good.” That really struck me lor. And it’s very reassuring because I don’t have to worry that I’m not good enough. Because it’s not about me, it’s about God and what He wants to do for me.

Oh, how great is His love for me! I can rest, because He has already done everything! :)

Things God has told me regarding S thus far

In chronological order:

1. He will love you more than you do.

I heard this one day as I was fretting over my weight issues and thinking, as I often do with regards to guys I find myself attracted to, “What if he doesn’t like me cos of my size?”

2. I brought him here from New Zealand for you.

Heard this when I was being emo another time. It sounded so incredulous even to my ears that I didn’t tell anyone about it for some time.

3. 如果你不要我就给别人 lor!

Again, I was being emo when I heard this! Hahaha! I was on the way home from Bugis after dinner with the girl from CG who asked me to contact Steven if I wanted to attend service together with CG peeps. I remember so clearly that I was walking towards the escalator towards the MRT, near Beard Papa and Old Chang Kee.

I was confused, throwing a tantrum to God and telling him, Aiya. Why is this so troublesome? 我不要了啦! And suddenly I heard this.

Stunned into silence, I thought to myself, Shit, I actually don’t want that to happen!

And I realised that, hey, God never forces anything upon me. If I don’t want S, despite everything that God has been telling and showing me, He won’t force me to accept S. Even at this point, after I’ve heard Him say that S is “the one”.

The funny and interesting thing is, whenever God speaks to me directly like that, it always, always, cuts through all my bullshit. But it always comes at the right time, and it always gives me peace.

4. He’s the one. He’s the one. He’s the one.

I will always remember this day…haha 5/5 double grace Sunday! I’ll remember that I was wearing one of my favourite tops, a white blouse from Melbourne which I bought many years ago and is still in awesome condition now. And he was also wearing a white top. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see the curve of his shoulders and biceps and I was just so content, so grateful, to be where I was in that moment. About to worship, which is one of my favourite things to do, beside this guy whom I rather like. I felt so blessed, so safe. So happy was I that I almost didn’t realise what this voice was saying. And I think that was the very first time that I really accepted into my heart that hey, S is the one. I don’t have to worry or fear because God has made our paths meet, finally. After all my wandering, wondering…finally he has appeared in my life.

One day I will tell S all these things. I feel crazy for saying this but what can I say when God has spoken? I choose to believe.

“He’s the one.”

Today, I got to sit beside S for service again.

It wasn’t like that originally…just that we decided to change seats and sit nearer the front because his brother had forgotten to bring his specs and couldn’t see very well without them.

Then this girl, XY, asked me to move so that S could sit with his brother, then she asked S to move so that I could sit with her.

And suddenly I found myself next to him again.

As we stood up for praise and worship, I heard a voice speaking to me, “He’s the one. He’s the one. He’s the one.”

I wasn’t even aware of it initially, but when I came to be aware of it, I wasn’t shocked or confused either. I just felt this overwhelming sense of warmth and security and assuredness and certainty.

Sheena asked me, “Do you believe it?”

And I said, “I think I do.” Because I felt so safe, so loved, in that moment. There was zero doubt. And God always leads by peace, rest, and calm.

Good Lord. Actually, it’s kinda a huge thing, isn’t it? Cos’ this is different from me asking for signs. Those could be dismissed as coincidences. But this, if my discernment is correct, is God’s voice, telling me in such straightforward terms: He’s the one. I was not asking God any question when I heard those words; I was simply being grateful that I got to sit next to S again. To worship side by side with him. And if that voice had not kept on repeating the same sentence, as if to drill it into my thick numb skull, I might have missed it even.

Actually whenever I think about it, I’m astounded by how much grace has marked this journey so far. I can only conclude that it is not me but Jesus. I have bouts of doubt and insecurity, but they seldom last long. Most of the time, I’m incredibly at peace about everything. Which is SO not me!
The more I spend time with him, the more I like him. Yet I never feel awkward around him at all, even if I don’t know what to say. I’m just happy to be around him. When he’s around, I feel incredibly at peace.

With my past crushes, I was always nervous and antsy around the guy. But from the first time I spoke to him I have felt this way. I may have said this before but it’s probably the most important thing to me that I feel comfortable around someone in order for the relationship to progress to anything more. In this aspect, he’s pretty much perfect. It feels so natural, so right, to be around him. Almost like - dare I say it? - Almost like coming home. Haha this sounds incredibly sappy I know. I may really be romanticizing everything. But it’s really how his presence makes me feel.

Sheena says she keeps seeing God’s blueprint in everything; how everything is seamlessly fitted without me putting in any effort. Whenever I tried to run from him, I’d bump into him or someone would randomly appear and tell me to look for him.

Whenever I tried to run from him, I’d be in turmoil and confusion. But when I stopped running and just rested and took whatever action that I believed God was prompting me to take, I experienced rest and blessing.

Also, sometimes before I see him I’d be antsy and nervous about the prospect of meeting. But the moment I saw him, I’d feel at peace. It’s kind of weird and incredible. Dare I say that none of my other crushes have made me feel this way before?

As for him? I honestly have no idea. At this point, he really doesn’t seem interested in me at all. Haha! But it’s okay lah. God will work on him and in him. If he is dense and stupid and can’t see what’s in front of his own nose, God will get through to him and open his eyes. If he is shy, God will give him courage. If he is unsure and insecure, God will assure him, just as He has assured me. I just rest and pray for favour and to be in the right place at the right time…but actually with regards to the latter I find that I often am!

If I say I believe that voice that told me, “He’s the one,” then I must believe everything else this voice told me before; that “He’ll love you more than you do,” and therefore I can rest even though I think that at this point, I like him way more than he likes me, if he even does. Because God has promised me that he’ll love me more than I love myself. So that must happen at some point, because I know God never breaks His promises.

Actually that’s a rather odd statement too…it makes more sense to say, “He’ll love you more than you love him,” because that’s what people are always comparing anyway. Who loves who more. But hey, if a guy can love me more than I love myself, isn’t that the awesomest thing? Because when people compare how much they love their partner versus how much their partner loves them, it’s out of insecurity right? Like they think they are giving more and they feel insecure because their partner isn’t giving as much. But if a guy’s love can be so big that it is even bigger than my self-love and my self-centredness, that transcends everything. And in fact, is that not the agape love of Jesus? So God has promised that he’ll love me with the love of Jesus. What a wonderful thing.

Wow. Revelation leh… I feel so loved right now, actually.

Ok…it’s getting late, gonna sleep soon! I’m so blessed!!!! :)

Going to stop fighting God…

I realised, lately, that I’ve actually been fighting God regarding the matter of S.

I was confused and scared and I wanted an answer, so I kept pressing God; show me this if he is the one, etc.

Shortly after I realised that I was not at rest at all when I was waiting for the answer. I was anxious, pessimistic. But God never once rebuked me. In fact, He kind of answered every time I asked. But the thing was that, even though He answered, I was still uncertain, because I was trusting in the answer; in signs and wonders. I wasn’t putting my trust in His goodness and love for me at all!

Then, I decided to stop giving God ultimatums. Partly also because I was afraid that if I kept asking, one day the answer would be “no”. And the waiting was excruciating.

I thought, Okay, then I’ll just rest and wait on God. But I soon grew restless, and found myself throwing questions at God again, only this time I didn’t ask for signs to confirm my questions. While this spared me the anxiety, I was still kind of pessimistic. I started reverting to my old thought patterns: He doesn’t like me. Maybe he doesn’t like girls who are short and fat. And so on.

The result was that I started to shut S out and the idea that he might be the one. I started wishing again that I didn’t feel what I felt. I started condemning myself for being foolish - I barely know the guy, what am I thinking?! When he was around, I didn’t really talk to him unless he talked to me first. Basically I kind of ignored him.

But as usual, He came to my rescue and saved me from myself, haha!

See, this girl from the CG asked me out for dinner. I kind of suspected that she was doing it not really because she really liked me but as a form of ministry. And it turned out that she really was a ‘befriender’, who is basically someone who makes friends with newbies. Lol. But I didn’t mind so much, because such a person is what I need right now, when I’m still finding my place in CG.

I knew all along that she was close to S, and briefly wondered if maybe there was something going on there. Somehow during the dinner, she brought him up and said that he was only like a brother to her.

She suggested that I should go for service with CG people. When I said I didn’t know who goes for service together, she said, “Look for S!”

She asked me what were my favourite countries. I named New Zealand as one of them. This is really true and has nothing to do with S being from there. I loved New Zealand when I went there as a young girl, and I really want to go back again. When my JC friends asked me once, if I was going to have my wedding overseas, my answer was New Zealand.

She said, with a funny little smile, “Ohhhh if you like New Zealand, you should talk to S.”

S, S, S. He keeps popping back into the picture, no matter how I run. I stopped going to his CG and started attending one nearer my home, and I bumped into him after service. I ignore him, and his close friend tries to befriend me and keeps telling me to talk to him, look for him.

On the way home after dinner, I was thinking about it and threw another one of my childish emotional/mental fits. I thought, “Aiya, this is so confusing. I don’t want him already la!” Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice say, “If you don’t want him, then I’ll give him to someone else lor!”

That shut me up immediately. Shit, of course I didn’t mean that!

I was reflecting on all this as I ate dinner by myself yesterday, and I’ve realised that everything I was doing previously was not really resting. Yes, there were times where I felt at rest, but something was still off. I was still fighting God, because I wanted answers, I wanted to know, and I didn’t have the patience to trust that everything would turn out well because He loves me.

And I realise that all my running in the opposite direction of S has not given me peace either. Rather, it intensified my confusion.

I felt that meeting that girl and her prompting was God giving me an opportunity to get to know S better. And when someone who loves you gives you something good, you don’t throw it back in his face!

It takes humility to accept second chances, to accept good gifts, really. To admit that all my efforts have been pointless, that I can do nothing without Him, that I can receive nothing good apart from Him. That I am a big fat zero and indeed, in and of myself I deserve nothing good. But because Jesus gave it all that I may have it all, when God gives, I should receive with humility and gratitude.

I still can’t say for sure this means that S is the one. My heart is wary and slow to believe. But this is a chance to find out! If I close myself off and keep distancing myself from him, I’m just shooting myself in the foot. And then I can’t blame anybody when nothing happens! Not that I am going to chase him or anything now. But whatever chances God gives me to spend time with him, I’ll take it. And keep trusting and asking God for divine favour. Because that’s really all I need. And when it happens, he’s not gonna know what hit him! Haha!

So, no more ultimatums, and no more running away. I’m in S’s field, and I’m going to stay, and glean whatever I can. And only by grace shall I gain favour in his eyes.

I know I barely know him, but well, he caught my eye from the start. Just something about him and the way his presence makes me feel. It felt right. I can’t rationalise it. And he pretty much had me when he so boldly declared, “One day you will have communion with your parents.” Boy knows the way to speak to my heart. That was the day I told God, “Daddy, if he’s not the one, MAKE him the one!”

I might have said that only in the moment, but well. We’ll just wait and see how it goes, right. For now, I’m starting to learn how to enjoy the journey. 

Everything’s gonna be okay! :)

He is so good.

I have never in my life been so joyful in the midst of my despair.

I have never in my life been so vulnerable, yet so secure.

I have never in my life cried so many tears, not of sadness, but of joy.

I think the verses below are a picture of what has happened to me:

Job 14:7

For there is hope for a tree,
If it is cut down, that it will sprout again,
And that its tender shoots will not cease.
Though its root may grow old in the earth,
And its stump may die in the ground,
Yet at the scent of water it will bud
And bring forth branches like a plant.

Isaiah 61:3

To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
He has turned my stone heart soft, responsive to His gentle touch. He has unveiled my eyes to see His beauty. He has opened my ears to hear His quiet voice. He has become the still in my storm. He has turned my mourning into joy.

Praise Jesus. He is so good to me! :)