So as I was sweating it out in the gym today, I realised:
I am happy. I am single, and I’m happy. I am a yahkit!
For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3: 16)
The word “only” here, used to describe Jesus, is yahkit, and it means “alone, special and greatly loved”.
I realise that in my desire and impatience to be attached, in particularly, to S, I get so absorbed with the whole idea of being in a relationship, I become so preoccupied with him and what he does and does not do, that I forget that I am a happy yahkit.
I was a happy yahkit before he came into the picture. I still am. But sometimes, I forget that I am, and I allow the despair of my past to creep up on me. I allow my past fears and insecurities to take hold of me once again.
I was by myself at the gym today, I was by myself walking in the rain today, I was by myself eating dinner today, and I felt so complete. So loved. So happy.
And I’m so glad Daddy God reminded me again of who I am.
With regards to S, I have suddenly also realised that perhaps I didn’t like him as much as I thought I was. After all, I really do not know him well yet. My feelings toward him seem to fluctuate based on the amount of time spent hanging out with him and the amount of positive interaction between us.
Which, I suppose, if you really liked someone, wouldn’t be so unstable.
But, I still would like to explore this further, and I suppose I’m already on the right path.
I guess I should take some time to get to know him better. If he is the one, he will eventually become the one. If God chose him for me and yet for some odd reason I decided that I don’t want him after all, then there’ll be someone else for both me and him.
Of course, I hope that he is the one God chose, because I know God knows me best and surely His choice is the best choice! But I have free will, he has free will, and we are both free to choose, and God won’t force us to take whatever we don’t want.
At the end of the day, I think what really matters is: Do I choose him? And if I do, then I could pray for favour and qarah (to be in the right place at the right time). Well actually, I’m already doing that. I think the qarah part is there - I keep running into him when it’s the last thing on my mind. I’m just not sure if I have favour in his eyes, since for all intents and purposes, his behaviour tells me that he’s not interested.
But you know what? For once in my life, I can take that. I can handle the idea that the guy I like(?) does not(?) like me back. I’m not desperate.
I guess it’s because, for once in my life, my security in not in my own self and what I see. My security is in what God tells me I am, and I am highly favoured, deeply loved, greatly blessed! I am a happy yahkit! And nobody can take that away from me, least of all S, a mere man.
I will not let him determine my value, for he did not make me in my mother’s womb; neither did he die for my salvation. Jesus did. Even if he became my husband, there would be times when he would let me down. Not Jesus, who has been so very faithful to me, even when I wasn’t.
And now this happy yahkit must abruptly end this entry and go to sleep!!!