Odd thing…
I was just thinking that for quite some time I’ve wished that I was outgoing and bubbly.
My friends tell me that I handle myself pretty well in social situations, even when I meet strangers.
I don’t deny it. I know I have a friendliness and a down-to-earth vibe that makes people feel like they can draw near and talk to me. I know I do this rather effortlessly. I don’t even need to try to be like that; I just am, unconsciously, even when I don’t wanna be, like in cases when people latch on to me and keep clinging on.
But I still experience a fair amount of social anxiety and often worry that people won’t like me or find me boring because I’m not bubbly and exuberant enough. I care too much about my social image, I suppose. I admire people who speak their mind without fear of repercussions - or perhaps simply because they don’t think about the repercussions at all.
I want to be like that, sometimes, because I’m such an introvert, I have to process everything internally and thoroughly before I can even present it to the external world. But by then, sometimes, I’ve missed the moment.
I want to not care, I want to live in the moment, I want to speak my mind. But my very nature denies me that. I feel that people who can do that have a certain degree of freedom that I don’t. And I have this idea (mistaken or not) that outspoken, bubbly people experience a higher degree of success in their work and private lives (although I have to admit a certain amount of tact is needed to achieve this success).
I think that if I was bubbly and outspoken I’d be able to build better relationships faster with people and in so doing be able to use my relationships with them for things I want in work and in love. I’m sorry to be so practical, but it’s true…when you have good relationships with people it’s much much easier to get things done. And everyone is happier in the process too. I think that if I was bubbly and outspoken, boys would take more notice of me and like me more.
I think that I’m generally well-liked but that all people think of me is, “Oh, she’s a nice girl…” which in my mind equates to Boring and Can Be Bullied Easily.
It takes me a really long time for me to let down my guard and feel truly at ease with friends and worthy colleagues. I may look very normal on the outside, I may be making normal conversation, participating actively and all, but you’ll never know how much I’m hiding inside.
To give an example, let’s look at my relationship with M. I’d say he opened up to me fairly early, but I’ve kept a lot of my real thoughts from him. It’s only recently that I feel that my relationship with him has segued into an easy rhythm, that I’ve started to enjoy his company as a friend, that I’ve learnt that I can really trust him - enough to ask him for help and to admit my mistakes and to tell him his. And it took me one year of working closely with him, nearly seeing him everyday.
I don’t know if he feels the same way - maybe I’m so ‘natural’ that he has no idea. But it feels very different to me. For one I’m very grateful. I dono what happened, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when things clicked for me and started to go smoothly. I don’t remember consciously trying to change things. It just happened, gradually and suddenly.
This is the same for my friendships too - and it just gets harder as the years past, to let people in. I was an awkward, shy, QUIET kid for much of my schooling years. Alas, when I’ve finally acquired the social skills to reach out to people…
Anyway, I actually just wanted to say that although a few other ‘quiet’ (oh how I LOATHE being called that, it’s a billion times worse than being called nice) people I know express the same wish to be bubbly and outspoken, a few other bubbly and outspoken people I know say they would rather be like me. And that they think that people like me are more well-liked and popular!
Guess it’s always greener on the other side…?
